ass hi books

ass hi books

“Ass Hi is the only literary magazine that doesn't cause a sensation of degradation when I read it. Ass Hi is the only literary magazine that doesn't turn everything good about being human into a trifling dramatic fuckfest of hyperbolic insipid poop.”–noah cicero

“These stories will replace Aesop's Fables within the next few months, roughly. Aesop, fast fading, will become obsolete. Soon you will ask a child, "Who won the race, the tortoise or the hare?" and the child will say, "the obese blue whale." Giddy critics everywhere are spooning each other and murmuring that "polite quiet beasts exercising" will be the love child of Gabriel Garcia Marquez and James Joyce.”–kristen iskandrian

“Pennsylvanians can celebrate a new anthem and hero in 'The Very Retarded Giant Moth'. Children will love The Very Retarded Giant Moth's funny movements and the elderly will find The Very Retarded Giant Moth's resistance to death encouraging. Finally, a story about Pennsylvania steel mines that makes sense! Goodbye, Billy Joel's 'Allentown'; hello, ass hi books' 'The Very Retarded Giant Moth'!”–brian connell

“Finally, a book for the (unfortunately adopted) children of Godless sodomites. There is little intelligent design to be found in "The Large Minnow" from A** Hi Books. Thankfully for us, the very nature of our irreducibly complex universe and the beneficence and wisdom of our Creator do not allow for the existence of monstrosities such as 'down syndrome minnows' in our actual lives, though they are everywhere in Tao Lin and Ellen Kennedy's impassioned but logically flawed argument for a secular nationwide science curriculum based on evolution (read: atheism). Keep the kids away from this veritable and grotesquely pornographic orgy of moral ambiguity and complicit nihilism masquerading as entertainment.”–daniel spinks

“The Very Retarded Giant Moth was so good and I tried to print it out but it was too big. I laughed when I read about the moth having cancer on its face, but what's going to happen is I'll probably get face cancer and then I'll feel real sorry and depressed. Shit.” –ami tian

“Leajous Snet will revive listless conferences, people who have had their tongues out anyway and bad haircuts and weird underwear. It's my favorite new texte de cul sec”–clay banes

“I read The Very Retarded Giant Moth, The Obese Blue Whale, and Bitch-crotch. When I read them I thought to myself, "I would like to read these if they were on very large parchment taller than me." The repetitive art reminds me of a film reel.” –bryan coffelt

“I read Bitch-crotch and thought of a sad and lonely street performer who goes to a restaurant by himself and eats the ice cubes out of his glass with a fork.”–mike young

“Of all the books I've read in which a sturgeon is harried by a ball of abnormally large sperm, The Large Minnow is probably the best. Probably. I'll have to go back to my bookshelf and pull out all the other books that feature a sturgeon harried by a ball of abnormally large sperm (like that book of Flannery O'Connor short stories linked by the presence of a sperm ball and a sturgeon, in which the sperm ball represents man's fall from grace and the sturgeon is Jesus and in the end it feels like Flannery just hates us hates us hates us as she loves us loves us loves us) just to be sure. But I'm pretty confident my initial reaction is correct. So maybe instead I'll just go home and have half a dozen glasses of wine. And I'll read all the other Ass Hi Books. In the Ass Hi Books, the ball of sperm is just a ball of sperm, and the large minnow is just a large minnow. It's the authors who represent man's fall from grace.”–matthew simmons

“Tonight a friend gave me a chocolate graham cracker cookie with an X on it. I said "oh, are these tic-tac-toe cookies" and she looked confused and said "they are alphabet cookies." Later I read the large minnow. If the large minnow was a tic-tac-toe cookie in a bag of alphabet cookies I think it might be an O.”–ashley moyers

“I left a particularly hot pie to cool upon my windowsill. I watched as The Large Minnow ate 1/3 of my pie. I found that fraction to be quite fair. Leajous Snet is a strange, exotic curve; an Easy Button of smouldering eyeballs; a wolf whistle of noble birth; a conch, blown to herald the wet dreams of tectonic plates.”–ryan bird

“I read these stories. Two of them I like a lot, another of them I like a whole whole lot, and the other one I like like a lot a lot a lot.” –k. silem mohammad

“The Large Minnow is a good person. I wish I had a brontasaurus gene also so that I could have two brains, one in my ass.” –glenn gould

“In a deliciously sick way, ass hi books will have you laughin' till your pancreas shuts down from cancer. You'll cry really hard and feel desperately sad. A profound longing to drink gasoline and drive off a cliff will overcome you. Life will suddenly make sense. You will see, in the end, there is a very retarded giant moth in all of us.”–c. allen rearick

“All day long I have been sitting in a dark room touching these books. They give off an aroma like a baby's scalp. Reading the new Ass Hi books, it occurred to me that they actually succeed in eliminating 9/11 both as a concept and historic event, but not before they sodomize our troops in a giant garbage can. Also, they lower the bar.”–ryan walker

“Infectious, hypnagogic, and like many modern movies about the new generation's uniquely postmodern alienation and rage, such as Kurosawa's The Cure, or Bright Future, these tales are destined to poison the world in fantastic, startling ways.”–justin dobbs

“The Obese Blue Whale is very round.” –werner herzog

“Bitch-crotch is one of the most important books of our time. It is a heartrending tale that rivals and perhaps even surpasses all other works in its genre. The pictures of colt 45 forties are beautifully rendered and Al Gore is accurately cast. A must read.”–ryan downey

“I have a problem, okay, and here are some books. But back to the problem, why does the water in my apartment's tap taste so awful, okay, and the books. Books do not replace water but at least you can read them, which is something you can say. Reading Leajous Snet kind of hurt me and now I'm going to wait an extra hour before sleeping so I don't dream about insects getting raped. I am going to use that hour rereading and rereading Leajous Snet. Tomorrow I will be more careful about how I walk.”–blake butler

“Bitch-crotch is a beautiful, elegaic, sometimes elliptical little friend. I treasured the hours I spent in its arms, even after I learned it was made with the fur of the raccoon dog, which gets skinned alive.–nick antosca

“I read my sister Bitch-crotch and she cried uncontrollably. I read my sister The Large Minnow and she recited The Trial from start to finish, including translation notes and deleted scenes.” –ofelia hunt

“Bitch-crotch is an inspirational tale of the power of love, faith, myspace, richard yates, and redemption. A triumph!” –jhumpa lahiri

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